ok. no one should ever watch balls of fury. not even download it. watched 10 mins of it and i knew it was a terrible show already. why i even watched it? just wanted to get out of camp for awhile (for the nights out).

yep.. so my foot's alright now. or at least much better. but i'm still wobbling a bit. can't really step with my heel. that means i can't take my IPPT tomorrow, my last chance for gold this year. summex (summary exercise) is next week too. going to wobble around during deployments. hope there ain't too many unneccesary re-deployments. re-deployments= cammoflage net taken down, stores kept, drive to new deployment site, do local security million times, set up everything agin, set up the comms network. basically a lot of work. summex is exciting though. can't wait for it.

man.. today's such a dramatic day. and jamin, that's a timely encouragement. i'm thinking of ooc-ing. thinking of talking to my course commander(CC/STO, senior training officer) to take me out of the course. toaday just tells me a lot about myself.

first think in the morning, the CCWO(command chief WO, RSM for you army dudes) came walking by the accomadation block.. saw 2 guy from my course changing up, and some guys in the toilet brushing teeth. asumes our whole course was sleeping. he complains to the 2 guys mainly on, 1. toilet not cleaned. 2. people sleeping. ok.. that was start of trouble. everyone in the course expected devestating comsequences. then call from TO(training officer, no 1. in the course cause STO is on course.) came. he wants to talk to us in the classroom. uh-oh. what's gonna happen? to my surprise and displeasure, after he dug out the whole truth from us, he came up with a plan to cover up everything. including didn't do 5bx and first parade (which are chargeable offences). oh my goodness, that's so disgusting la. is the real world out there like this?

anyway, that was plan A. but we found flaws in it, like the wing commander can find the loopholes and stuff. so for an hour or so, they were discussing a lot in the classroom after TO left for a meeting. it was terrible. in the end i plucked up the courage to say what i wanted to say (also because another guy said partially too), to stop smoking and just take the whole s*** they'll give us. still argued somemore. then they agreed to say the truth with some crappy untrue reasson. still felt uncomfortable. but it's 15 on 1. what to do.

after drawing no 1. no 2. accessories (which is supposed to be an exciting happy experience), our SI(seniour instructor, a master sergeant) wanted to see us. TO came with him. we went on to go up to our bunks, TO questions us as though we didn't had the meeting in the morning with him, confuses everyone. at first i thought it was real questioning. like he was asking out the truth so seriously and all. i thought of saying out the whole truth. but i had no moral courage. anyway he was just acting it all out in front of 2 MSGs. that was what he told a few of my coursemates later. we had bunk inspection after that. then a few of us had to change bunks in 10 mins. that was all the punishment we had.

that was all? i can't believe it. i'm not relieved. i'm disgraced(if there's such a word).

things i found out.. 1. i've no moral courage. 2. no influencial power, unable to get the course to do the right thing. 3. i'm a unwilling conformist. 4. i don't deserve this rank more than many people. 5. i still can't love my enemies. 6. sermons are so difficult to apply. 7. maybe i really need to just get out of this course.

i need a break. and next week is field camp 1. you've gotta pray dude.

" Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools." Ecclesiastes 7:9. so fustrated with my coursemates again.need help to show God's AMAZING grace.

thanks for the encouragement. i think this few months have been tough for me is because i have sort of lost contact with my very good friend. months since we met. usually, i would pour out my troubles and emotional baggage unto her, then i'll either feel better or grow a bit more when she scolds me. i don't know whether she feels the same, but i really do miss her a lot. then now i've just lost my accountibility partner, a close buddy, and a good christian example. maybe that's why i'm so pessimistic nowadays jojo.

but, throughout my QT, God keeps on saying that i shouldn't be discouraged but devoted. "Self-awareness is not sin, and it can be produced by nervous emotions or by suddenly being dropped into a totally new set of circumstances. Yet it is never God’s will that we should be anything less than absolutely complete in Him." this is from yesterday's devotion. maybe that's my problem.

it's friday. everyone looks foreard to fridays. it's when we usually book out. end of the week. start of the long awaited weekend. but i don't sound too excited yeh. i'm not. booking out of camp is not very interesting for me. the programs on the weekend are as boring as my training schedule. except for cg. church is starting to get un-alive, uninteresting, and a dread for me to go. don't want to mention more.

so.. it's seems like training is more interesting? no. i'm having a break now. when lesson is supposed to start at 9. which is already one hour later than the actual timing. and i start lesson with a break till 9.30. anyway, for a lot of nights, i have already been sleeping more than 8 hours, though i still wake up at 5.30 sometimes and 6.30 the rest of the times. there's one night  i even slept at 7.45 pm. woke up awhile to bath, wash up, then back to bed all the way till morning. and how many times have i grumbled about waiting in the army? i hate waiting! trianing? this is training for patience and keeping awake when there's nothing to do. my weapon simulator can't eevn work. we're learning very little stuf. air force a 4 day week? i think it is very possible.

to book in or to book out? both don't seem appealing to me. nowadays, i can't look forward to much anymore.

now i lost my phone. last week i lost my wallet, this week my phone. i think i'm getting good at this.. haha.. okok, shall blog about more proper stuff...

hmm... let's talk about the St Andrew's alumni band. i don't enjoy being in it actually. practices are so inefficient, attendence is poor. we don't play like the SAB played in the concert earlier this year. it wad quite exciting to go for practice the first time. when you watch their concert early in the year, you really wanted to be part of their next big production. now? hiaz... at least i still believe in miracles. wondered how they did yesterday in paragon. hope it was acceptable.

ok, i actually wanted to post some long paragraph on how i feel towards the band.. but i think i'm guilty of some of the accusations too. i'll try to be better for the next concert then maybe do some feedback or sth. about the late coming and low attendence and all.. but let's just try our best in this concert. all the best, SAB.

just yesterday, we did soc. actually, it ain't that tough. our seniors said it as if will die one. like every time we take the bus to nee soon camp ('cos air force school doesn't have a soc ground), they all will have super low morale. one senior also said like half of their batch fall out on the first lesson. but then, i think it was ok. in fact, i kind of look forward to it sometimes. the only time i can feel like a soldier. so it's every wed, i'm a soldier for about 2-3 hours or so. then the rest of the week, i slack off.

but then this week was a bit more tough than the other weeks. we did some radar deployment training. needed to carry so much heavy equipment all day long. very tiring.. for once. okok, i shouldn't talk much here also.. *CLASSIFIED* haha.